…was the question that I asked of my partner around 4 pm many days last winter.
It feels impolite not to ask the person who will be dealing with me after this decision fork in the evening, which flavor of company they mind less.
The answer was always: Anxiety. Followed by a reassurance.
184 mg of caffeine later, we set course toward anxiety.*
I dislike depression; it is intensely boring. I much prefer slightly agitated (but interesting) thoughts, and being active.
(I would prefer non-agitated, creative, fun thoughts, but sometimes that ain’t on the menu.)
The worst is when you are either completely numb or when your agitated thoughts are depressed and attacking you.
Today is aiming toward the first, so I’m trying to at least get some writing out of it, so I have one less thing to be irritated about later.
The last few weeks have steadily felt better, but I am edgy about tonight. My support group is addressing body-image, at the request of the person who to me looks like model material, but is getting shit for doing the opposite of what I do to cope. This is going to be hell, and the can’t-win aspect of it is horrible, so… my brain is trying to go numb.
This was also the first weekday in about 3 weeks that I did not get a morning swim or walk, and I can feel the difference. The new yoga DVD is sitting on the table glaring at me for not being brave or motivated (or something) enough today to do that – an hour ago. Having been really good about being well-fed and -exercised before dealing with Wednesday evening sessions, I feel less than stellar about spending the whole day hugging my laptop. Note to self: Self, you function much better when you get out of the house as early in the day as possible and work from a coffee shop.
The other worst part of being depressed is not being able to read well (by well I mean interesting and new or challenging topics).
I didn’t know you could get there, but you just can’t concentrate and don’t care about the topic enough and feel really stupid and all the thoughts spin attacking you in a steady cascade of darkness. Today feels a tiny bit like that and it makes me think doom, especially with the winter coming closer. (I know this is more a side effect of not moving all day, than depression, but the voices in my head are being as kind as always.)
So instead, I am listening to the NPR interview with Allie Broch from Hyperbole and a Half: Even When It Hurts ‘ALOT,’ Brosh Faces Life With Plenty Of ‘Hyperbole’ – which makes me feel less alone, but not less numb. Her site has a viscerally-real comic about depression, and I will eventually add her new book to my collection of things to show people when I can’t find the right words.
Ok, I feel better having gotten some of this on “paper.” (I keep worrying that if I am not actually depressed, I will not sound supportive enough in talking with people who are). Time to find grown-up pants and go be group counselarized.
*Total Controls x 2 from Herbalife is what gets me there. I run on about 8 cups of coffee equivalent a day, but it would be a bad party if I took that in liquid form. The first 4 get me out of bed and the last four taken twice over the course of the day keep me from becoming a couch amoeba before dinner. The absorption curve on green tea is much smoother and having a consistent measurement helps to keep at least one variable in my day stable. I don’t recommend this if you don’t need it, but it is what is keeping me operation this season.